here, I share all of my inner thoughts. in a way, this serves as a time capsule. we evolve as we grow, but consequently, we also lose bits and pieces of our memories and former beliefs. i believe it’s imperative to preserve parts of who we are, both as an important daily ritual and also a tribute to self-realization.
in good spirits
very productive
under the weather
appreciated others
something bothered me
i think today was as good as it could be. although i’m sick, and although i’m in a bit of an off mood, there were a lot of things about today that ultimately lightened the blows. i finally fixed my contract with the navy and redid my pssq ( . ❛ ᴗ ❛ . ) the process was a lot easier, and a lot simpler than i initially thought it would be. i think at the back of my mind, i kind of wish my rate wasn’t so complicated and secretive as it is. it’s difficult to find information on it, so i’ve struggled to envision what my day-to-day would be like. i want to be important, and i want to be busy. those are the two things i wish for. but, at the same time, i think i would have been okay with a field that helped others more directly.
i started watching scott pilgrim, the show, with my friend the other day too. as im writing this, i have exactly 1 minute until we have our dedicated movie time. i think its quite funny, and the art is really good! the story is really unique, so even though its objectively bad, it entices me, and that’s what matters. im a fan of wallace, but i can’t lie, i wouldn’t say i have a favorite character. none of them really speak to me. it’s not the greatest show.
sometimes i feel like my mother expects a lot out of me. it’s tiring, being that daughter who doesn’t really cause trouble and also has to maintain that disposition. i feel like so many responsibilities get dumped onto me. it’s not that i mind it, i think contributing is good, and it’s something i’d happily do for my mother. but recently she’s been so outwardly critical and demeaning about everything i do. i try my best, but i feel like sometimes i take the words of close ones to heart. and albeit minor, and something i’ll let go, it just really hurts sometimes. especially when i’m already making an effort to be that shoulder she can lean on when she feels overwhelmed. i just feel really underappreciated. i hate that.
i had a good day today! i did a lot of organizing the house with my mother, and did a fair bit of cleaning up. i try to make an effort to clean something every day, and i think it’s a really difficult habit to keep up, especially because i tend to hyperfocus & start to clean more than i want.
this morning, i called my friend who just graduated bootcamp. she graduated 2 days ago, and i could not be more than proud of the woman she’s becoming. she’s enlisted to do air traffic control, which has a 4 month program in the marine corps, and then 1 month of mct. 5 months as a whole isn’t bad at all, but a part of me wishes it were a bit longer so we could see eachother again under more convenient circumstances ( ╥ ᆺ ╥ ；)
i’ve also finished madoka magica! i really enjoyed it, i didn’t expect the ending to hit me as hard as it did. there are so many good things i can say about it. i feel like endings can often feel underwhelming, rushed, and lacking of emotion. but i believe gen urobuchi did such a good job crafting the ending episode. i really enjoyed this show, we rarely have female-only casts, it’s a quality i love in media, and madoka magica did it so so so well ( ◡ ‿ ◡ ) i also really valued the attention to soft masculinity, as with tomohisa and kyosuke.
today has been painfully slow, and it really doesn’t help that i woke up ill. it’s run through my entire family before finally settling on me, and i won’t lie, i’m really frustrated... because not only am i sick, i started my period this morning ദ്ദി ╥ ᴗ ╥ ) feels like the universe is laughing in my face.
although, it’s rather easy to forget about things when you’re unemployed. as a result of me shipping out in two months, my mother has graciously asked me not to work—which i don’t mind—it would be a bigger burden to do that anyway. all this downtime gives me time to recuperate and focus on working out, alongside indulging in a few hobbies i’ve long since neglected. however, it’s a lot of time i also spend thinking, and in turn, i’ve resorted to spilling everything out whenever i get the chance. i have a sense i’ve been talking way too much.
today i drove my brother to his friend's house, and he told me that his friend's mother has never—yes, never—gotten road rage. and i don’t know whether or not i feel bad, because when i first started driving i was so easily peeved. but honestly, when i think about it more, i believe it’s genuinely admirable how someone can have not only so much self-control, but also empathy for others. i think i will start to work on my road rage.